 It’s February which means Valentine’s Day is here. Valentine’s Day, like so many other holidays, has become commercialized and the reason for Valentine’s Day isn’t always at the forefront of people’s minds. But Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be a day where you buy things out of obligation or behave in ways that do not feel natural. It can be a day where you take time to really think about and reflect on why you love who you love, and why you love the way you do.
Our early childhood experiences influence so much of what we know and think about love and what it means to give and receive love. If we had attentive parents/caregivers, we learn to be that way towards others. We learn to be affectionate and giving, and that it is safe to be vulnerable with another person. The opposite is true. If we had parents/caregivers that withheld love and rejected any signs of affection, we can act cold and distant towards the important people in our lives because we were taught as children that love is unsafe. The beautiful thing is each relationship offers us the opportunity to learn and/or strengthen how to express and receive love. We can learn to be more receptive, affectionate and giving. The first step is to improve our relationship with ourselves. If we believe we deserve love and act in loving ways towards ourselves, we will allow others to act lovingly towards us. Talking to yourself in a loving and supportive manner, eating healthy foods, exercising, getting enough rest, doing fun activities, and keeping your promises to yourself, are all ways that you can act lovingly towards yourself. Another way to act lovingly towards yourself is to recognize the part of you that may self-sabotage receiving love. If we feel unlovable or undeserving, we can unintentionally push others away when they act lovingly towards us. We can also enter (and stay) in relationships that reflect how we feel about ourselves. It can be hard to acknowledge that sometimes we self-sabotage by choosing an unloving partner because we feel unlovable and undeserving. So, again it is so important to learn how to be okay with receiving and giving love so that you don’t unintentionally end up in relationships where love does not flow freely between you and another person. Here are some journal prompts you can use, as you reflect on love: Who taught you about love? Did you feel loved growing up? Who is one person in your life that you love? What makes you feel love towards them? Who is one person in your life that you know loves you? What’s one thing you love about yourself?
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 New Year, New You! Yay! No, not really. We think that the new year will be the golden opportunity to do things better than the previous year. True, there is the opportunity to do things differently in the new year but how often do our new year’s resolutions stick throughout the year? There’s a quote, “wherever you go, there you are”. If you had bad habits in the previous year, they will not magically disappear in the new year because at the end of the day you are still who you are. It will take more than intentionality to change your behavior. It will also take a new set of thoughts about yourself and new behavior routines to transform into the person you want to be and/or create the life you desire.
We routinely set new intentions to change ourselves at the start of the new year but forget that a change in behavior helps us to make those intentions a reality. Most of us set our intentions but quit or resort back to our old ways by mid-February. Again, wherever you go, there you are until you change how you see yourself and what you are capable of. Our behaviors align with what with think about ourselves. We must first shift how we see ourselves, so that our behavior follows. As an example, if we think that we are someone who plays sports, then we will do that. If it feels like a chore or something you are forced to do, you will not have the same dedication and motivation to participate in sports on a consistent basis. Similarly, if you see yourself as someone who eats a healthy diet, and you routinely say to yourself, “I am someone who eats healthy foods” when you go to the grocery store, that inner narrative about someone who eats a healthy diet will begin to play and you will in turn purchase healthy food items. And on the opposite end, if you go to the grocery store and say, “I should eat healthy items”, you might get some salad or some apples, but you will still end up buying unhealthy food items and not stick to your new year’s health goal. So, as you’re thinking about how you want to achieve your new year’s goals, first work on your mindset about yourself and your behavior will follow. One tool that I love to use to rewire my inner dialog is affirmations. They are a great and easy way to reset or change the inner dialog and narrative we have about ourselves. There are lots of platforms where you can listen to affirmations daily. I recommend finding a few that you like and rotating them throughout the month. Just be sure to listen to at least one daily so that the affirmations have the best impact on your inner dialog and behavior. Wishing you a happy and abundant new year! Christina Image by Unsplash/ Maddi Bazzocco  I don’t know about you, but winter always does a number on me. The older I get, the worst it has gotten. I often tell my loved ones I am like a sunflower in that I feel happier in the summertime, and my sleep patterns follow the sun. So, when November rolls around and daylights savings time ends, my energy and mood immediately dips. Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) is defined as having a low mood, increased sleep and tiredness, issues with concentration, irritability, and less desire to spend time with others. SAD symptoms can last days, weeks or even months. It can feel counter-intuitive to take action when you don’t feel like you have the energy to do anything. But I can assure you that if you take action, you’ll feel better than if you had not.
One activity that can be helpful includes physical movement such as dance, yoga, or walking indoors. Physical movement releases the feel-good hormone serotonin. Serotonin is often found in anti-depressant medications. So, physical movement is a natural anti-depressant that you can do throughout the week. While we’re talking about the physical, healthy eating (getting plenty of water, veggies and fruits) is another body-focused activity you can do. When we eat better, we naturally feel better. It can feel counter-intuitive but time with loved ones is another option that can have big results. When we spend time with loved ones, we get a boost of oxytocin (love hormone) that helps us to feeling better. So the more time you spend with loved ones, the less alone and sad you may feel while trying to manage SAD symptoms. Another important hormone, Vitamin D, gets released when we spend time soaking up sunlight. The more natural light, the better we can feel in late fall and winter because sunlight triggers the release of the vitamin D hormone, which in turn reduces feelings of depression. Please check out and purchase a sun lamp that you can use on gray days as an alternative to natural sunlight. It probably goes without saying but you can also follow up with your primary care physician for medication management as well. There are many medications that treat symptoms of SAD and depression. Another option is psychotherapy. I am partial, in that I am a psychotherapist, and I always recommend therapy to feel better too. What’s one SAD management technique you can try today? Image courtesy of Unsplash/Aaron Wilson  Love can thrive in the scariest of places. Yes, you read that correctly. When we love others, we open ourselves up to being hurt, rejected or disappointed. When we open ourselves up to love, we place an immeasurable amount of trust in the other person. We also experience the challenge of opening our hearts wide enough to allow the other person to see and experience all of us. Not just the good, but the not so good too. It can be hard to be vulnerable but it is a key ingredient when it comes to creating and building loving relationships. When we are vulnerable, we are on full display, flaws and all. If we do not love or like ourselves, it can be hard to let others see all of us, and thus love us. Love requires full surrendering and acceptance towards ourselves so that others can love us as well.
When we experience heartbreak after allowing another person to love us, it can be difficult to be vulnerable with someone new. After a heartbreak, many people say I will never be that vulnerable again. But then someone new shows up unexpectedly and the questions begin to fly, “will I try again?, “ Will I let them see all of me?”, “Will I let them love me?” All of these questions are valid and good questions. But I believe that the most important question often gets overlooked. “Do I love myself?” I believe this because it is hard to be vulnerable and let others love us, if we do not love ourselves. We can also look in all the wrong places and allow toxic behaviors from others, if we do not love ourselves. That is why it is so important to love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we make healthy choices in relationships and in life. Reflecting on the love you have for yourself is the most important thing to do when considering another romantic relationship following a broken heart. When we love ourselves, we trust ourselves and know that at the end of the day, it is our love for ourselves that will get us through any heartbreak from a breakup or setback we experience in life. One thing you can do today to start practicing and developing self-love is to reflect on the parts of you that you like, appreciate or are grateful for. Accepting ourselves as we are, is a step towards allowing others to love us. When we don’t accept ourselves, we hide. We hide for reasons such as shame, fear of rejection, mistrust, past heartaches, and these all create blocks and others are not able to fully love us. We can fall into a cycle of feeling unlovable because we do not allow others to love us because we are too afraid to allow others to see and accept all of us. Again, the practice of self- acceptance is the path to loving oneself. And when we love ourselves, we become healthier mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. These all lead to happier and more fulfilling relationships. We teach others how to love us by how we treat ourselves. If you talk poorly to yourself, it can unintentionally send the message to others that they can do the same, or that they do not have to treat you with kindness and respect. With that, self-talk is another key ingredient of practicing self-love. Each day, say something loving towards yourself. Talk to yourself like you wanted or want your caregivers to talk to you. Talk to yourself like how you would talk to your child or a child. You, regardless of your age, deserve to be treated and talked to in the most loving of ways. It probably goes without saying but practicing self-love and acceptance also means taking care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Remember that love is a verb. It’s a choice. Yes, feelings of euphoria, satisfaction, calmness and more, happen when we love someone and feel loved by another person. But it is the act of loving ourselves and allowing others to act lovingly towards us that truly creates the wonderful feelings that we all desire and deserve. Image by Mandy Nov Shahl/Unsplash  Have you ever contemplated surrendering to the unexpected? It’s something I’ve been reflecting on and practicing this year. At the beginning of 2024, I never would have guessed that this year’s internal work would be around the practice of surrendering. I started 2024 with a set plan of what I wanted to achieve, and I can easily say that things have not gone as planned. As 2024 is winding down, I’ve been reflecting on how my life has shifted and changed in many unexpected ways. And to my surprise, the year has turned out to be far better than I had hoped or planned for. The act of surrendering has been defined by The Britannica Dictionary as, “to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc.”. It can be uncomfortable letting go and allowing life to unfold in an unplanned way. It is even more difficult if you struggle with anxiety. Anxiety can be triggered by the unknown and uncertainty. When we practice surrendering, we allow ourselves to fall into the flow of uncertainty, which can be scary. Surrendering requires that we release and let go of who or what we thought we were and allow what is. When we surrender and go with the flow, we don’t have to work hard because we are not engaging in self-sabotage or unhealthy behaviors. Surrendering and going with the flow of life allows us to drop the ego, and to be led by something greater than ourselves that knows the way to happiness and better health. When we practice surrendering, we make choices from a space of faith and trust in a force greater than us. And this faith and trust leads us to new experiences and opportunities that make us happier and healthier. When practicing surrendering and flowing with life, it can be helpful to use mindfulness techniques and gratitude. When we practice mindfulness, the world slows down. Our own happiness and health become our number one priority. Others’ expectations of us and the things that don’t bring us joy lose their power over us. Anxiety is quieter and as a result there are less feelings of urgency throughout the day. Slowing down and savoring the fleeting moments becomes pleasurable and grounding, and we naturally surrender and flow with life. The more we practice surrendering and flowing, the more we trust ourselves and our ability to face the unexpected and uncertainty. Through this increased trust we feel more confident that everything will work out in our favor. And with this confidence, we continue to willingly practice surrendering and go with the flowing, and that often leads to even more unexpected and happy experiences to feel grateful for. So, what’s one way you can practice surrendering and going with the flow in your own life? Image Ivan Vranic /Unsplash  Well, it’s that time of year again… Mercury Retrograde. The interest in Mercury Retrograde and astrology has had a resurgence over the past decade. It’s not uncommon to hear someone say, is mercury in retrograde? I personally think Mercury Retrograde gets a bad rap because it’s misunderstood. Mercury Retrograde doesn’t pop up to make our lives hell. In fact, Mercury Retrograde happens 3 to 4 times every single year(and as a side note, other planets retrograde throughout the year too) for approximately 3 weeks(minus the shadow phases). So, it’s not some unusual thing that happens out of the blue. Mercury Retrograde is a consistent and natural part of life.
Since it is a part of life, it’s helpful to think of it like we do seasons. It’ll come, things will shift and change, and then a new season will begin. Mercury Retrograde provides us with the opportunity to rethink our current life trajectory. It’s a brief time for us to take a step back and reflect on if we would like to adjust and/or recommit to our current goals, and to begin to release what no longer makes us happy. We often get caught up in the grind of our everyday responsibilities that we don’t take a break to really think about our lives and if we are happy with the direction we are going. Again, Mercury Retrograde provides us with the opportunity to do just that. I find it helpful during Mercury Retrograde season to remember words that start with R: reflect, rest, redo, realign, retry, recommit, and release. The planet Mercury is connected to communication, so yes, it is true that communication and technology can be impacted during this season. When things go awry, it’s often because we need to slow down and possibly rethink our approach. Mercury Retrograde provides us with the opportunity to slow down when miscommunications happen, and when technology breaks down. We can use these moments to take responsibility, adjust how we communicate with others, and adjust any negative self-talk we may have towards ourselves. These moments also provide us with the opportunity to use our coping skills (like journaling, going for a walk or spending time outdoors, taking more naps, listening to music or a meditation, spending in-person time with our loved ones), so that we can handle this brief season and its surprises. So, please don’t be anxious when Mercury Retrograde season happens. Try to look at it as the universe giving you the opportunity to take some time to reflect on what truly makes you happy and the space to let go of what doesn’t. Image By: Greg Rakozy/Unsplash  Have you ever stopped to ask yourself if your stagnation or lack of motivation is related to unprocessed grief in disguise? I know we often connect grief to feeling sad, but grief can be more than just sadness. When we feel grief, it can impact how we see the world and ourselves. It can be hard to find a reason to go on because the pain is emotionally and physically debilitating. We can question if we or life will ever feel “normal” again. We can also question our strength and resiliency. It doesn’t help that we live in a society where we are expected to show up as our best versions 24/7. We can feel judged or be judged if we don’t constantly show up as happy or productive in our personal and professional lives. This can cause us to try and push through our grief so that we don’t feel the pain of the loss we experienced. But it’s unrealistic to operate at this level every single minute of every single day. At some point, trying to push through the grief will not work. Household duties will take a dip, it will be hard to concentrate at home and work, we’ll avoid others, and our sleep and eating will get bad. All these signs highlight the fact that we cannot outrun the pain we feel. We can no longer ignore the fact that we lost someone or something that was important to us. We are finally forced to acknowledge griefs ever present presence.
Healing from grief is possible. Here are a few helpful steps for doing grief healing work. Find a safe space where you can sit and feel the feelings. Taking a bath, sitting in the park or outside, or in the comfort of your bed are all good places to sit and remember who or what you’re grieving. If you want more structure during this time, you can add writing down three things you miss about the individual or thing you’re grieving. You can also put on a song and sit in your safe space for as long as the song plays and then get back to whatever responsibilities demand your attention. Another important step is to ensure that you’re getting enough rest, eating a nutritious diet, and staying hydrated. Remember there is a mind body connection; if the body feels crappy the mind will follow and vice versa. It can also be helpful to talk to a trusted person. Talking about our pain is cathartic and can be healing and is a good reminder that we are not alone. There’s a quote, grief is love with no place to go. You can try writing a letter to the individual or thing you’re grieving to feel connected to them. Finally, my personal favorite steps for grief healing work are looking at old pictures/videos while listening to music that reminds me of who (and at times what) I lost. These two steps together tend to bring up additional happy memories which can help me to feel the love shared between me and my loved one, and helps to facilitate a really good and healing cry. And lastly, remember that grief is not linear. There may be days where it feels less intense, and other days where it feels immobilizing. Both are okay and normal. Honor where you are on any given day and take as much time as you need. Picture Courtesy of Ephraim Mayrena/Unsplash  Dear Reader,
 It may come as a surprise but there is a connection between psychology and the law of attraction. When we feel better about ourselves, we attract good things into our lives. When we feel bad about ourselves and about how our lives are going, it is difficult to attract the things that we want. We can fall into a trap of self-fulfilling prophecies. If we expect bad things to happen and we feel bad about ourselves, then we will energetically attract those bad things. On the flip side, if we feel good about ourselves and our lives, then positive things come to us. I know it can be hard to accept full and complete responsibility for all that we have and experience in our adult lives, but it really is up to us to create the life we want to live and experience. And that all starts with how we feel and how we feel about ourselves.
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AuthorChristina is a Psychotherapist in private practice. She supports residents in both Kansas and California. Archives
January 2025
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